Play On Words
by Oboebyrd
Summary: Along the lines of 'Space Turtles' only more 'smart'. Yeah, right. Probably still spelling Vorik wrong... rated PG-13 for swearing...
1. In which we try not to mention Vorik.

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Play On Words

  
((Note to all you concerned readers: I wrote this at the same time as Space Turtles, but I also actually proof-read it! So, hopefully not all of the spelling and grammar errors that were present in my past piece will be in this one…))

You know... people never really appreciate the power of the written, or for that matter, spoken, word. Just look at the power it holds!  
  
A word can start a war, bring about peace, or make people laugh. A word could even mean the difference between life and death! After all, if ancient man had never said that first word...  
  
So... this story is dedicated to those words... with the proper use, and misuse, of each one.

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am-bi-dex-trous (am'be deks'tres) adj. 1. Able to use two hands with equal ease. Which two, however, are not specified. 2. Very skillful and versatile... adroit.  
  
See versatile, adroit  
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Harry Kim ran down the hallways of Voyager.  
  
He had the horrible feeling that he was horribly, horribly late for something. What, however, he wasn't quite sure... but being an Ensign, he felt that running from unseen dangers was possibly the smartest thing he could ever do. And, he spent so much time doing it, that he had gotten awfully good at it.  
  
So... he was running. At the same time, he was thinking. That was one of those talents that Ensigns also had to develop... thinking on their feet.   
  
Well... those that didn't... they didn't live to tell the tale at the very least.  
  
Since the separate processes of thinking and running totally involved the rest of his brain, Mr. Kim had no thought left to put upon the task of watching where he was going.  
  
So it was no small wonder when he ran into another running, thinking Ensign coming from the opposite way.

Of course, given with the way this story was already heading, the Ensign he happened to run into was the 7'5'' Security Officer, Ensign Rccok.  
  
Rccok, of course, had about the density and weight of a rock. And the smarts to boot. The fact that he was about as smart as a box of rocks was no insult to the Ensign; after all, we are talking about those sand-stone rocks. Everyone just KNOWS that sand-stones are the smartest type of rock in the entire world.  
  
''Ggg... you... k?'' Rccok asked, after carefully processing the fact that someone had just run into him, and that someone was laying on the ground, clutching at his nose and screaming.  
  
''I'm okay...'' Harry began.  
  
''Me help.'' Rccok suggested, reaching down to pull Harry up.  
  
''Whoa! That's okay!'' Harry screamed, remembering full well what had happened to the last Ensign that Rccok had helped 'stand up'. He had actually pulled off their arm. Of course, the poor bucket of extremely smart sedimentary-rocks was just trying to help.   
  
The Captain had considerately remembered that Rccok had the IQ of a young wildebeest when she had reprimanded him.  
  
''Me no help?'' Rccok asked, scratching his head with one monstrous finger.  
  
''Yes... you no help... I can get up myself, thanks.'' Harry said, standing up quickly. ''Nice talking to you, Rccok, I have to go!' He ran down the hall.  
  
Rccok shrugged, and continued running on. By now, the crew members could usually hear him coming and identify his stomping as something OTHER than a ship-wide power failure, and had learned to get out of the way. Thus, Rccok only trampled about three crewmembers a day.

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sac-rum (sak'rem, sak'-) pl. -ra (-re) or -rums. n. triangular bone composed of five fused vertebrae, located near the base of the spine and forming the back of the pelvis. Never broken in movies or TV shows...  
  
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''Alright... I'm giving you three seconds to run.'' B'Elana growled.  
  
The person she was giving a chance to run, however, happened to be stuck between the consul and the Chief Engineer, and had no real wish to get any closer to the half-Klingon to escape. ''3...' B'Elana said.  
  
Stay and die, or run and die?  
  
''2...''  
  
If he ran, he would have a chance to escape... maybe get away!  
  
''1...''  
  
It was now a matter of life and death! The Ensign bolted like a scared rabbit out of its hole. He ran like the wind.  
  
B'Elana, of course, ran after him, screaming bloody murder. The Ensign himself was just generally screaming... no fancy words attached. 

''AAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!''  
  
And so the Ensign and B'Elana raced around in circles about Engineering. The other Engineers, knowing full-well when to interfere and when to just sit in the background and watch quietly, were sitting in the background and watching quietly.  
  
Eventually, that familiar rumbling and light-flickering heralded Rccok's arrival. The turbolifts, unused to the extra weight that Rccok himself possessed, were going all-out to keep themselves from plummeting the remaining decks to deck 15.  
  
B'Elana stopped and turned to see what Rccok could possibly want in Engineering. The Ensign, sensing as good as any chance to escape, continued running, opened up a Jeffrey's tube, and disappeared from the script for the next 15 days.  
  
Rccok came running out of the turbolift. ''Looten't. Me have PADD for you.'' Rccok announced, and slapped the PADD into B'Elana's hand.  
  
There were two snaps, one as the PADD broke in half, and another as something totally different snapped in half.  
  
B'Elana blinked, and slowly looked down at her wrist. Nerves slowly worked their way to the brain.  
  
''AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''

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sen-si-bil-i-ty (sen'se bil'e te) pl., -ties. n. 1. 'Refined' or delicate feelings. 2. Capacity to receive and respond to sensory stimuli. 3. The act of just plain being sensible, which is a rare trait in most ::Choose your species here:: today.  
  
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Janeway was sitting in her command chair, staring at the PADD in front of her. Every once in awhile, she would growl, smack the PADD against the arm of her chair, and shift to a new position.  
  
It wasn't that her command chair wasn't comfortable. Quite the opposite, actually... the command chair was big an' comfty. It wasn't that the other members of the crew were having a dialogue that consisted of the virtues of Leola Root (There was, in fact, a dead silence on the Bridge)  
  
No... what was bothering her was the stupid PADD. She had been staring at this stupid, stupid, stupid riddle for the past three hours now.   
  
''I am the beginning of eternity, the end of the time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place. What am I?''  
  
Janeway glared at the PADD. Since the PADD was clean and shiny, it reflected her glare right back at her. Every once in awhile, when Janeway made eye-contact, she would have a staring contest with herself. It was an ugly cycle.  
  
But it was the riddle that was really bothering her... the stupid, idiotic, simple, indecipherable riddle!  
  
Chakotay then sat down next to her. ''Good morning Captain.'' He said cheerfully. Apparently, the commander had had way too much sleep the night before.  


Janeway glared at the perky first officer for a full minute.  
  
During that minute, Chakotay slowly worked up the courage to peep out the question, ''Something wrong, Captain?''  
  
''You tell me.'' Janeway replied, and smacked the PADD into Chakotay's hand. ''Solve this riddle.''  
  
Chakotay looked down. ''Okay. So?''  
  
''You solved it already?'' Janeway shrieked.  
  
Chakotay leaned back further in his chair, away from the Captain. He had the feeling he had just said something quite wrong. ''Yes… it's fairly simple…''  
  
''Simple?'' Janeway screamed, waving her hands dangerously in all directions possible for human hands to go. ''SIMPLE? I SPENT 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE WORKING ON THAT RIDDLE, AND YOU COME IN HERE AND SOLVE IT IN TWO SECONDS AND TELL ME IT'S SIMPLE?!?!??!?!?!''  
  
Chakotay babbled for a second, trying to come up with something to say other than ''I suppose you didn't get much sleep last night, did you.''  
  
A silence more oppressive than the one previously heard slowly filled the Bridge. Janeway was glaring daggers at Chakotay, and one hand was heading slowly for her phaser.  
  
''Uhm… I didn't say that out-loud just now…'' Chakotay asked. ''Did I?'' He squeaked.  
  
''Yes, Commander, you did.'' Tuvok stated from his consul.  
  
''Captain?'' Chakotay asked mildly.  
  
''Yes, commander?''  
  
''Permission to live until tomorrow?''  
  
''Permission granted.'' Janeway replied, and then blinked. ''Drat! Permission denied!'' She pulled out her phaser.  
  
''But Captain, you first said 'yes'! You can't go back on your word now!'' Chakotay exclaimed.  
  
''Can't I?''  
  
''Well, technically yes, but…'' Chakotay whimpered.  
  
''But what?'' Janeway demanded.  
  
''…nothing…'' Chakotay said, hanging his head.  
  
The silence of the Leola Root discussion resumed again, as Janeway leaned back in her chair; the knowledge that she had 'won' another argument solid in her caffeine-and-sleep-deprived head.  
  
Of course, he hadn't told her the answer to the riddle…

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Forbidden City (for bid'en sit'e) n. 1. Walled area of Peking, China enclosing the palaces and ground of the former Chinese emperors. It was closed to the public for many centuries 2. Baldwin, Michigan  
  
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Harry Kim came running onto the Bridge, totally out of breath despite the fact he had been riding on the turbolift for the past three minutes, trying to find the Bridge.  
  
''I'm here!'' He announced, standing at attention. ''I don't know why or how, but I'm here!''  
  
Everyone on the Bridge turned towards Harry, fixing him with one of those stares that always made him extremely nervous. ''What?'' He whimpered. ''Was I late for my duty shift again?''  
  
''Harry, you're NEVER late for your duty shift.'' Tom, who had been playing Tetris at his navigational consul, remarked.  
  
''Oh. Well... was I supposed to deliver a PADD to someone?'' Harry asked.  
  
''No, only Rccok or another dispensable Ensign delivers PADDS... no main characters.'' Janeway replied.  
  
''Uhm... then... WHY did I come to the Bridge?'' He asked, looking about helplessly.  
  
''Perhaps we are going to stumble upon some alien phenomenon that only you can figure out?'' Chakotay mused.  
  
''Maybe you just enjoy our company.'' Tom suggested perkily from the helm.  
  
''Or maybe this continues the plot in some way?'' Janeway asked.  
  
A silence fell over the Bridge, as all of the crew members traded glances, awed.  
  
''How could we have missed that before?'' Chakotay wondered, awed at his own lack of observation.  
  
As all the crewmembers on the Bridge down-graded themselves for their lack of observation skills, the Doctor contacted the Bridge.

''Doctor to Captain Janeway, please turn on your emergency broadcast system.''  
  
Janeway, looking a tad perturbed, pressed the button in mention. A high pitched, horribly annoying sound suddenly began shrieking out from speakers hidden all over the ship, deafening crew-members who were too close to where the sound emanated from.   
  
''Doctor, I see no point in this!'' Janeway shouted over the screaming klaxons.  
  
''Captain! Please turn them off!'' The doctor exclaimed.  
  
Janeway was, of course, only too glad to comply. As soon as the klaxons had stopped their painful clattering, the Doctor restated his request. ''Captain, please turn to your Emergency Medical Holographic channel.''  
  
''It's a little different than he usually says it…'' Harry noted, leaning against the Operation's consul, which was already occupied by a depressed lieutenant.  
  
''Who really cares?'' Tom wondered.  
  
''The nit-pickers which happen to be reading this story.'' Harry replied.  
  
''This is a story?'' Tom asked in awe, looking about. He self-consciously adjusted his hair.  
  
''Afraid so.''  
  
''Yes Doctor, what is it?'' Janeway asked, ignoring the perplexing dialogue that was going on behind her.   
  
''It's about Ensign Rccok and Lieutenant Torres, Captain.''  
  
''Oh my god! Has she killed him?'' Janeway exclaimed.   
  
''No, but…''  
  
''Has he killed her?''  
  
''No, but…''   
  
''Did anything explode?''  
  
''No!'' The Doctor exclaimed, getting slightly annoyed.  
  
''Okay, okay.'' Janeway said, allowing herself to calm down. ''So what happened?''  
  
''Rccok broke Ms. Torres's wrist.'' The Doctor announced.  
  
''And did she kill him afterwards?'' Janeway replied immediately.  
  
''No!'' The bald man in blue exclaimed.  
  
''Did B'Elana go into shock and develop some sort of alien virus?'' Janeway wondered.  
  
''No… Captain, if you would just-''  
  
''Then *why*, pray tell, did you call me?'' Janeway demanded.  
  
''I just thought you'd be interested in the fate of your crew members…'' The Doctor replied.  
  
''Well, you thought wrong. Go away… I'm trying to solve a riddle. Janeway out.'' She clicked the close-button on the view screen of her chair-consul.  
  
Immediately, there appeared on the main view-screen a flashing message. Tom, whose reading abilities far surpassed those of an ordinary third grader, read the message. ''This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated.''  
  
Janeway and Chakotay traded glances. ''What the hell does THAT mean?'' Janeway demanded.  
  
The entire ship then shut down.

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e-mer-gen-cy (I mur'jen se) pl., -cies. n. 1. Situation or occurrence demanding immediate action. 2. Usually something bad.  
  
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The blackout of the whole of the Starship Voyager caused a few immediate problems. First of all, Neelix's bowl of Leola Root Stew was totally ruined, which was actually a blessing to the crew, unless they were gearing towards eating something that day. Second of all, Janeway's hair-dryer had been mortally and mentally wounded by the event, meaning Janeway's hair would for-ever-more be dry for at least twenty minutes after her shower.  
  
But the worst problem of all was the dreaded stoppage of the turbolifts.  
  
Now, normally this would not be a problem. As only major crewmembers or extras carrying important data tended to use turbolifts, there was very rarely any traffic going through them that required immediate attention. Today, however, the traffic was a danger to the turbolifts themselves.  
  
Ensign Rccok had been in the turbolift when they all shut down.   
  
Well, the turbolifts had trouble carrying Rccok's immense weight when they were moving. Suddenly having stopped, with very little computer support to hold them up, the turbolift Rccok occupied was really struggling. Rccok, of course, didn't help matters. He decided that, since he had been in a hurry and wanted to go somewhere (Before he forgot where he had been going, which he did often) he would have to climb out the top of the turbolift and open one of the doors and walk the rest of the way.   
  
After all, it worked in the movies, right?  
  
Well, what Rccok failed to realize was that his arm was thicker than most humans' waists.  
  
Truth be told, Rccok failed to realize a lot of things, and this situation was no exception. When he found that he couldn't get his arm through the big hole in the top of the turbolift, instead of stopping and thinking of another route, the Sentinilite proceeded to shove himself the rest of the way through, ripping the top of the turbolift to shreds.   
  
Standing at the top, Rccok marveled at his ingenuity.

Well, now that he was out of the turbolift, he had to find some way to get out of the turbolift shaft. That was a tricky one. Rccok looked about, seriously considering the matter. How to get out? How to get out?   
  
Hmmm…   
  
He suddenly looked at the wall. Hmmm…  


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Sickbay  
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Somehow, the Doctor had managed to stay on-line when the entire ship had mysteriously performed an error and shut down. He was puttering about Sickbay, treating B'Elana's broken wrist whenever he happened to pass.  
  
''You see, Lieutenant Torres, this is why you never pick a fight with someone three feet taller than you.''  
  
''I didn't pick a fight with him, Doctor… he just smacked me in the hand and broke my wrist.'' B'Elana replied, slightly annoyed. They had repeated this conversation ever since the computer had shut down.   
  
The Doctor walked around some more. ''You see, Lieutenant Torres, this is why you never pick a fight with someone three feet taller than you.''  
  
''Doctor, I already told you, I didn't. Is there something wrong with your programming?'' B'Elana asked.  
  
The Doctor walked around some more. ''You see, Lieutenant Torres, this is why you never pick a fight with someone three feet taller than you.''  
  
''Doctor…''  
  
Very unexpectedly, the wall caved in as Rccok came through it, and landed directly on top of B'Elana.

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a-non-y-mous (e non'e mes) adj. 1. Of unknown or unavowed authorship or origin. 2. Lacking individuality, distinction, or anything else that makes it worthwhile  
  
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''What'll we do, now that the power's out?'' Chakotay asked pitifully.  
  
''Any ideas, people?'' Janeway asked, looking around at the crew.  
  
Neelix appeared then, with B'Elana (Complete with cast), and a huge box. ''I have an idea!'' Neelix announced cheerfully.  
  
''Yes, Neelix?'' The entire bridge Crew asked, with their customary decadence.   
  
''We'll play a game of Jenga!'' The Talaxian bubbled.  
  
''Jenga?'' Tom asked.  
  
''What's that?'' Harry wondered.  
  
''Jenga is an ancient earth game that involves putting blocks that are set up in a three-by-three arrangement on top of each other. The object of the game is to make the stack as high as possible, without having the stack fall.'' Seven of Nine reported.   
  
There was a significant pause on the Bridge. ''Ah…'' Janeway said.  
  
''Well, I vote we play it. What else do we have to do?'' Chakotay said.  
  
''I second that motion.'' Janeway said.  
  
''This seems a most logical game to play under the circumstances.'' Tuvok said.  
  
''So, is that a 'yay' or a 'nay'?''  
  
''A 'Yay' I believe…'' Tuvok replied.  
  
''Alright, so we play Jenga!'' Janeway announced.  
  
B'Elana sat down next to Tom. ''What happened to you?'' Tom asked, as Neelix constructed the box of Jenga-pieces.  
  
''I'd rather not talk about that...''  
  
''Let's begin!'' Neelix exclaimed, clapping his hands together.  
  
Well, the game continued slowly.  
  
It took Tuvok about three hours to contemplate his next move. Harry sounded like a puppy that had been run over by a cow on steroids, (take your guess) B'Elana and Tom were making out in the intervening time between Tuvok's turn and Tuvok's move, and Neelix had fallen asleep face-first in his Leola root stew.  
  
Tuvok still considered.  
  
''With your superior Vulcan brain, why is this taking so long?'' Janeway demanded.  
  
''This requires much precision and-''  
  
''STOW IT AND MAKE THE MOVE!!!'' Janeway screamed.  
  
Giving Janeway the equivalent of a Vulcan Glare, Tuvok calmly placed the brick on top of the other bricks.

The Jenga tower shivered.  
  
And toppled.  
  
''Jenga! Jenga!'' Harry and Tom screamed enthusiastically. They then pointed at Tuvok, who was staring at the fallen tower with a look of total confusion on his face. ''Tuvok tipped the tower! Tuvok tipped the tower!''  
  
''A most... intriguing... occurrence...'' Tuvok said slowly.  
  
''Tuvok tipped the tower! Tuvok tipped the tower!'' Harry and Tom continued.  
  
Tuvok stared at the fallen bricks, and blinked a few times. Hmm...  
  
''Tuvok tipped the tower! Tuvok tipped the tower!!'' Harry and Tom screamed, oblivious to the glares the other crewmembers were slowly beginning to give them.  
  
''Yes, yes, we *know* Tuvok tipped the tower... now shut up!'' B'Elana shouted.  
  
Harry and Tom shut up.  
  
''That's better...'' B'Elana said quietly.  
  
Tuvok had scooped the Jenga-bricks into the box, and had then secured the box under his arm. ''I shall return to my quarters, and study this game further.'' He announced, and walked off the bridge and onto the turbolift.  
  
After Tuvok had been gone for a few minutes, Janeway turned to Chakotay. ''If the entire ship is shut down, then why are the turbolifts still working?''  
  
Chakotay looked horrified. ''Oh no!''  
  
''What?'' Janeway asked.  
  
''Captain, I'm surprised you didn't know about this!'' Chakotay exclaimed, looking pale. The other crew members were staring at him in confusion.  
  
''Know about *what*?'' Janeway demanded, getting a little annoyed.  
  
''That, if there's a hole in the plot... mentioning that hole immediately closes it!'' Chakotay exclaimed.  
  
''Then that means...'' Janeway began, glancing towards the turbolifts, her face slowly draining of color.  
  
''Yes! Tuvok is stuck in the turbolifts!'' Chakotay said, looking horrified.   
  
Janeway stood up, her face white. ''No, not that! That means *I'M* STUCK ON THE BRIDGE WITH ALL OF *YOU*!!!''

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her-o-ism (Her'o iz 'em) n. 1. Qualities of a hero; courage; fortitude. 2.courageous conduct that saves or protects someone 3. The act of eating a Hero Sub  
  
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Tuvok calmly considered the lack of flashing lights on the turbolift doors. He immediately deduced that that meant that someone had announced the plot-hole that the turbolifts had fallen into, and the plot-hole had immediately been fixed. Now, like the rest of the ship, the turbolifts had shut down.   
  
Tuvok considered this. He had thought that only Chakotay was allowed to get stuck in the turbolifts... or perhaps Neelix. It had never been in his experience to be stuck in a turbolift before.  
  
He then considered his options. He could leave the turbolift, which would entail bodily risk, as he could very possibly get hurt if he exited the turbolift improperly. There was also the possibility that he could drop the box of Jenga Bricks. While it was illogical to consider the Jenga bricks more important than his own bodily safety, he still did not find it logical to dump them into the turbolift shafts below.  
  
The other option was to sit in the turbolift and wait until help arrived. As Tuvok was a busy Vulcan and had no time to waste, he found that alternative just as untempting.  
  
And, of course, the third option was to fix the turbolift himself.

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in-ge-nu-I-ty (In' je noo'e te) pl., -ties. n. 1. Cleverness, originality, or imagination in conceiving, making, or executing something. 2. Something a hell of a lot more clever than Jenga.

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	2. In which Janeway figures out the riddle ...

Play on Words part 2- In which Janeway solves the riddle and Rccok inhales someone's face! (Or could be, as it's not like I actually plan these things out before I write them.)

Disclaimer- I don't own Star Trek: Voyager/Generation/DS9. I'd be happy to take DS9 off your hands, Paramount, seeing as nobody else likes the Space Mall, though… ::Hides from flames before they get here:: Anyway, if I DID own Voyager, I would have it fly down and blow up my enemies with it's phasers… which is probably a plus to having a giant galactic space ship… Also, many, many parts of this taken from my faithful Collier's Dictionary, circa 1977. Yes- a hard copy! I don't own Collier's- though it'd be cool, and I only use a few of their definitions and pronunciation thingies. ^_^

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Vorik sat, uncomfortably perched, about three inches from falling into a huge abyss.

Funny- he hadn't remembered that being there before.

But here it was, a huge abyss in the floor of Engineering, and apparently he had to deal with it. He guessed this only because he was the only person near the giant hole, and he hadn't done anything in the story yet. 

  
So, there was a hole. A large gaping abyss in the floor. Vorik searched his adroit Vulcan mind for some way to close this hole, but could not immediately think of anything that would work. Or work well. He looked around. 

Another hole was appearing in the wall. Vorik headed over towards the wall, and observed this hole. Odd- it appeared to be the same type of hole as the one in the floor, only it was spreading, slowly taking on the size and shape of the one in the floor.

Another one was appearing in the ceiling, and Vorik began to fear that the room he was in might disappear altogether, and he would be left there, floating in the space of deck 12. 

Vorik decided to look over the facts logically. These holes first appeared when the ship had lost its power in the inexplicable shutdown. Could it be a virus that had escaped the medical bay? Well… no, as to Vorik's knowledge, there were no diseases that ate holes in walls and ceilings of large spaceships. So that was out.

Wait- perhaps this was a subplot! Vorik's hopes rose unlogically, only to be smushed by his next thought-

He wasn't important enough for a subplot.

Vorik hung his head. This meant only one thing- he had found the room where the plot holes were growing. Not important at all. Well, he might as well inform the Captain.

"Ensign Vorik to Captain Janeway."

Up on the Bridge, Janeway had been enjoying a game of 'How far can B'Elana throw Harry with only one arm in operation?' She tapped her commbadge in annoyance. "Yes, Ensign, what the hell is it?"

"There are large plot holes appearing in Engineering." The Vulcan replied.

Janeway shuddered. That damn Vulcan's calm voice made her feel like her insides were being torn out and shoved in the freezer. "So?"

Vorik paused for a second. "Should I do something about them, Captain?"

The Captain rolled her eyes, and watched as Harry went flying past, screaming. "Of course not, you green-eyed Vulcan git. Where would we be without our plot holes? They have to show up SOMEWHERE. Janeway out."

"Three points!" Tom yelled, and gave the Chief Engineer a high-five.

Back down in Engineering, Vorik looked confused. He did not have green eyes. They were most distinctly hazel colored. And how had he actually communicated with the Captain when the power on the entire ship was out and the communicators shouldn't have worked? And why-

Vorik fell in a plot hole.

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log-ic (loj'ik) n. 1. The science of correct reasoning. 2. System or method of reasoning 'the logic of Aristotle' 3. Sound thinking, reason 4. A damn pain in the ass

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If there was one thing Janeway hated, it was strawberry daiquiris with arsenic coating the glass. If there was another thing she hated, it was stupid Ensigns trying to close up plot holes that they obviously needed to stay in operation. If there was a third thing she hated, it was stupid riddles that everyone else could solve but her.

The Captain hated a lot of other things, too, but this riddle was REALLY pissing her off. The only reason she didn't give it right up was because Chakotay had gotten it before her, and that meant it had to be mind-blisteringly easy, because Chakotay was mind-blisteringly dumb. 

The Bridge was quiet, and Janeway knew it was because she had nearly nailed B'Elana with her phaser. And now everyone else was hiding behind the tactical station and plotting their revolution. But it wouldn't work. The revolutions never worked. Only freaky green-skinned aliens ever pulled off ship hijacks, and those not even being revolutions, Janeway had completely lost her train of thought and now rambled off finishing up with a sentence that makes no sense.

Ah yes… the riddle. 

Over behind the tactical station, Tom Paris was the ringleader of their soon-to-be revolution. It was doomed to failure. "Okay… first of all, we need to elect a leader of this revolution." Tom said.

"It should be me, since I'm the next-in-command of this ship." Chakotay said.

"But you have spent too much time near the Captain- you could be corrupted by her evil influence." B'Elana said, and that made so much sense to Chakotay, that he shrugged and agreed that the Chief Engineer must be right.

"I think I should be the leader." Neelix said. His face was still covered in Leola root stew. The motley band of revolutionaries took one look at Neelix and decided that if they wanted to waste there time, they might as well just leader an army of snowmen into Hell. "You're right- bad idea." Neelix said after a minute. Some stew dripped off the edge of his nose.

"Why don't we just let Tom be the leader?" Harry asked, scratching his ear. "We already know we won't pull this off, so we might as well let Tom, who's going to be demoted anyway, lead us on."

"That's right… we can claim that he corrupted our mind!" B'Elana exclaimed.

"With what- Captain Proton episodes?" Seven asked, but no one answered her.

"Alright- I'm the leader." Tom said, looking proud of himself. "Let's-"

B'Elana frowned. "Just because you're the leader doesn't mean you get to make the decisions, Tom."

Chakotay nodded. Having had a lot of experience with this as the leader of the Maquis, he knew what it was like to have no control over what was going on. Much like what was going on now.

The motley band traded glances. "Okay- so… what'll we do? How do we over come the evil Captain with her phasers?" Chakotay asked.

Neelix shrugged. "We could flood the Bridge with sleeping-gas." The Talaxian suggested.

Harry shook his head. "Won't work- we're on the Bridge, too."

This brought the revolutionaries to a stand-still once again. They had all forgotten that, and only Harry's intense studying of spatial relations as a youth had saved them from what could have been incredibly humiliating. 

Of course, it completely escaped them all that they all had phasers as well, and that they outnumbered the lone Captain, who was completely engrossed in her riddle. She was so unconcerned with what her senior staff was doing that she didn't even bother snooping in on them, even though they were talking audibly enough for anyone to hear.

So it was a stand-off.

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tym-pa-nist (tim'pe nist) n. 1. Member of an Orchestra who plays a kettledrum, and, usually, other percussion instruments. 2. The enemy of oboists everywhere 3. A fond enjoyer of Cadburry Eggs- especially the kind with Caramel. 

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Back to the turbolift.

Tuvok was annoyed with the turbolift. It was not logical to be annoyed with an inanimate object. But here he was, annoyed with it.   


It was illogical for him to be stuck in a turbolift. Chakotay had already gotten himself stuck in a turbolift in 'The Space Turtles' story. This was a plot-gimmee repeat, and a dumb one at that.

But Tuvok did not understand the will of authors. He did not understand that something that was funny once will probably be funny the least of which three more times. He did not understand that 'getting stuck in a turbolift' was the oldest joke since the infamous 'pie in the face.'

Tuvok did not understand, but he didn't particularly care to, as it was illogical, and thus, he would no endure it. 

The box of Jenga-blocks beckoned from the corner.

Tuvok ignored it, and set about looking around the turbolift. It would be logical to wait for the power to turn back on, and thus, the turbolifts to begin moving. No, on second thought, it would not be logical, as the power was not scheduled to come back on for another hour or so. 

The box of Jenga-blocks winked at him and wiggled its hips.

"Yes," Tuvok said aloud, "I must endeavor to get out of here."

Little did Tuvok know, but the author had plans for him. Not important plans. Rather, plans to get him out of the way while she dealt with more important things- like getting Rccok to inhale some poor-girl's face. These were the important things. Tuvok ranked about the level of Vorik in the author's to-do list.

At that exact moment, a plot hole opened in the roof of the turbolift, and in fell Vorik.

"Interesting- I have never seen a plot hole open itself so readily and obviously in front of a member of the crew." Tuvok said, oblivious to the fact that Vorik was rolling around in pain on the floor of the turbolift with pens stuck in various parts of his body.

The Jenga box laughed evilly, and the plot hole closed.

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sa-dis-tic (se dis'tik) adj. 1. Relating to or characterized by sadism 2. A really dumb definition in the dictionary. 3. The act of jabbing pens in various parts of someone's body and the laughing at them. 4. Something which I have, apparently, recently become.

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Rccok had just inhaled some poor girl's face. 

There's no need to go into details. It's just that I TOLD you he would be inhaling someone's face, and damnit, I was right. 

I'm always right. I'm the AUTHOR!

So what if self-addition into a story is dumb? So what if admitting what's going on is a fictional creation of your own deluded mind is overdone! I'm doing it, and gosh-darn it, if you're reading this fiction than you're already subject to my whim as it is, and you couldn't care less!

What's that about making your audience happy? Yeah, I've heard of that. Never put no faith in it, though… 

Anyway. 

Rccok had inhaled some more girl's face. Normally, the poor girl would be rolling around on the floor screaming in pain, but as she no longer had a face, she was rolling around but unable to scream. Rccok stared at her, having no clue what was going on. And honestly, neither did any of the innocent bystanders, who were, later, at a loss to explain how the whole event had happened in the first place.

Rather than trying to explain any of it, they just brought the face-less girl to the doctor and said, 'Rccok did it.' As Rccok was no smarter then a box of Flavor Blasted Goldfish (They're good, buy some, I don't own them.) and the doctor was reduced to walking around saying "See, this is why you don't walk around picking fights with people three feet taller than you," the girl probably felt as if she was in very incompetent hands all of that day.

But, now free of the sucking-in-the-girl's-face complication, Ensign Rccok was free to go about and do more mess-up-of-the-plot. And that was what he had done well.

By means of plot-holes, Rccok made it from where ever he was to another part of the ship, where something very suspicious was going on… mainly, Lieutenant Punion and Ensign Punion. Lieutenant Punion was the elder of the Punion brothers, and had the complexion of unbleached enriched wheat flour. The younger Punion, however, had orange skin, which wouldn't have been unusual if, say, they were Rexes. But no, the Punion brothers were Bolians, and as such, their tan and orange skin made them outcasts among their blue-skinned Bolian kind. 

But this was not important. What WAS important was that they were playing video games directly off of the ship's main computer. They did not look up as Rccok approached.

As we all may be coming to realize, as nothing happens in these stories without some reason (Except the inhaling of the poor girl's face) this was important. The game, called 'Bolian Monsters eat little Pixies' had obviously been the game that had crashed the ship's computer, and the power stayed down since they continued to play the game. 

Rccok, however, was not smart enough to realize this. (Of course, I mean, come ON- he inhaled some girl's face!) Instead, he cheerfully clapped the shoulders of the two little Bolians. "Friends!" He exclaimed happily. 

The two Bolians were reduced to crumpled balls of orange and tan whimpers after the Sentinilite mangled their innocent bodies with that friendly gesture. On the computer's screen, the Bolian monsters suddenly stopped moving. The pixies, sensing their chance, swarmed down on their former oppressors, and powder-shocked the two monsters into oblivion.

Green lights flashed across the screen as the computer said, "Ha ha, you loose, loosers." In her bland, monotone voice.

The power whirred back on. Rccok looked around in amazement, and then walked out through a door, which had failed to get out of his way, as hastily as it had tried to move.

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Qua-ter-na-ry (kwa'ter ner'e) n. Second geological period of the Cenozoic era, including the Pleistocene and Recent epochs. 

See also: My mother's birth date

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On the Bridge, the power flickered back on. Janeway looked up, so happy she leaped up at shouted with joy.

Her rebellious subjects were so stunned by the return of the power that they didn't take that chance to mug her. Alas, no chance would ever come again.

The turbolift doors opened. Tuvok was about to step out, but remembered to look before he leaped, and saw that the turbolift doors had opened into a plot hole. "This is a most unprecedented occurrence." He noted. 

  
Vorik whimpered in pain.

In Sick bay, the Doctor stopped walking around repeating himself, and got back to doctoring. He reattached the girl's face, much to the joy of the girl in question.

That slimy moron Neelix wiped the Leola Root stew off of his face. Much to his surprise, he found that he no longer had any spots.

And so, Voyager whisks off into the starlit space sky, all of it's problems solved, the story wrapped up into one little neat package at the end. 

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the en-d (th e eh-n'd) s. The act of ending or stopping something.

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	3. Epilogue- as necessary as the fish in Cr...

Epilogue of Play On Words- A necessary ending part.

Oboebyrd: For all of you that disapprove of my B'Elana bashing and other such things- sorry! And for those of you steadfast Chakotay fans- I actually DO like him, he's cute and he contributes every once in awhile. But you gotta admit, when he's not spouting stories, he contributes about as much as a bump on a log.

So, thanks for reading, please review, I like everything, even flames. Maybe I'll write another one of these crazy stories, if you people enjoying reading them. So, this is Oboebyrd, signing-

Janeway: Barges on Wait just a second, here!

Oboebyrd: Uhm… hi. What do YOU want.

Janeway: Last chapter, you SPECIFICALLY STATED that I would figure out the riddle. Now, come on! Let me figure it out!

Oboebyrd: Normally, I would go ahead and let you, but for some reason, I really don't have the time to let you figure it out.

Janeway: That's it. Pulls out her phaser

Oboebyrd: Or, on second though, I could just tell you the answer.

Janeway: Smiles That'd be nice.

Oboebyrd: What's the riddle again?

Janeway: Reading ''I am the beginning of eternity, the end of the time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place. What am I?''

Oboebyrd: To those of you, including our dear Captain, who have not found out the answer to this riddle and have been haunted by it throughout the entire story, the answer is 'The letter 'E' '

Janeway: Of course! How stupid of me!

Oboebyrd: You bet. Now, that is our last play on words, and finally I bid you all goodnight!


End file.
